Started the year real good by bidding goodbye the to the second most toxic company I’ve ever worked for, and took a solo trip to Taiwan to cleanse myself off all that toxicity. When they say time alone is essential, it’s true. It’s when you are alone that you realize what exactly is important and good for yourself. You’d be surprised how self-sufficient and independent you can get, and how you really don’t need to live to please. Other people’s emotions really don’t matter, neither do their problems. Nobody will be grateful to you, or remember all the good you’ve done for them. One thing I’ve learnt? Mind your own damned business and start loving yourself. If you spend all that time worrying about how people feel, then who is going to give a damn about how you feel?

Returned to Singapore full of hopes and motivation to only end up in the most toxic company I've ever, ever, ever worked for. I had met plenty of people while paging that resume. People from all walks of life, and all type of MBTI. None like this superior who went around spewing lies about me just because she was afraid of losing her power in the company. (Look, you are the boss. You put food on our table.) What I am thankful for though, is that I've met nice colleagues and sweet understudies who kept backing me up regardless what she tried to brainwash them with. Still in contact, and still working together with these bunch of sweet stuff. They stood by even when I was at my lowest after getting diagnosed with AOSD. Surprise, surprise. Meanwhile those that I thought were my best friend of a few decade? Had actually expected me to deliver my sick person breakfast to her on the morning of her wedding day because she is the bride. Well, I totally did not almost die on the hospital bed with a brain totally fried by my own immune system just a week before.

Still not blaming the disease, still not feeling unfair about the diagnosis. I am taking it really well, to be honest. Okay, side effects aside. I am not taking the side effects of Prednisolone too well, haha. Hey, I've never been this heavy before okay. It's a lot to digest especially having married into an aesthetic-cultured family. It's all about the looks, yknow.

As I sit down here in my new acquired space, with my favourite cuppa of Toffee Nut Latte... this time, on my own, I can't help but to think of all that wasted effort I slogged myself for last year. It literally costed me my health. Was it worth it? Honestly, not at all. I wouldn't give up my life slogging for people who are not worth my time. Neither would I waste my time pleasing people or feeling afraid of offending anyone anymore. You don't like my honesty? Too bad. AOSD made me realized a lot. Really a lot. I am more thankful than anything if I really have to put a feeling towards this diagnosis.

I've lived my whole life helping people and pleasing my bosses. Never once dared say no, and getting undercut almost every where I go. Because I don't know how to say no, because I was extremely afraid of people feeling bad when I reject their request for help. Because I was so scared of inconveniencing people I would always end up swallowing every single bit of grievance. And look where are these people right now that I am sick and useless? People who actually stood by are friends I've never helped, or people I stopped contacting for a decade. A freaking decade. Ha.

I've even lost count of all that I had lost since my diagnosis. Real life, reel life, virtual life. All I have left now is me, my family, and my cats. Reason why I haven't been updating much about my life is because there really isn't anything I can update anymore. Things that I used to enjoy are things I can never do anymore, and the looks that I used to earn extra cash with are no longer there anymore too. I am not allowed back on set because the job scope would cause my condition to flare. And with the treatments and medications, my body went through extreme changes. Some being permanent. Many of you had been checking in with me asking how am I, why am I updating lesser and lesser, why do I not post as much pictures anymore and stuff... Well, here's my life with chronic illness.

I look like an average human being, all alive and well. But what lies underneath this vessel, is an ongoing war between the good and bad cells inside my body. With Adult Onset Still's Disease, my immune system attacks every single body cell within me whether or not it's good or bad. With medicinal steroids(Prednisolone), it helps to suppress the immune system and stops it from attacking my body cells. Which also leads me to my very first side effect:

1 Very, very bad immune system.

What Prednisolone does to you is that it will suppress the immune system, so it doesn't attack my body anymore. Worse case scenario of untreated AOSD is heart and lung failure because my immune system will eventually end up attacking my vital organs if I don't have it under control. With my immune system suppressed, I fall sick very easily. My injuries wouldn't heal, and infections are almost daily occurrence. A simple cough in public may be harmless to normal people, but if someone coughs or sneezes in front me may send me into another flare up and staycation in the hospital. Which actually happened in late July, when I had a flare because my nephew was sick when he visited my place for housewarming. My self esteem had been attacked, man. And I have no idea how long it will take for me to finally not feel affected by it anymore.

Never used to yearn for the light until my life fell into complete darkness. I've been all coped up and confined for almost 5 months now. Well, not entirely. I still head out a little here and there when I first got discharged in May to get my house and life settled. I've settled down now. With AOSD, Kimmy, my house, and .... nothing. Because I have nothing else. Not a job, not a friend I can decipher my dark thoughts with, not a goal in life to chase anymore. It doesn't stop my tracks though. I still wake to eat, to take my meds on time, watch a couple of dramas, read my favorite mangas, play some games which I will abandoned eventually after a week or so, and work on some random handicrafts or small projects at times. I cook and bake occasionally if my wrists allow extra strenuous work for the day. Otherwise, there really isn't much I do except to sleep and cuddle with Mumu when Kimmy goes to work. Life really lacks the physical communication these days.

I hate the darkness. It makes my mind stray. It makes me think a lot, and look back on the times when I was still able and well, running around doing what I love. And I get home to tell Kimmy about what happened throughout the day, have our dinner, go to bed, repeat. It also makes me think about all the people I met, and lost. All the people that once used to be so close, and now we're either perfect strangers or separated by death. These days, I look forward to waking up and drawing my curtains to let some light into the house because the darkness really overwhelms me. And that's really it. I'll then sit on my sofa, and stare into nothingness until my mind rings something for me to do. Clean the house, catch some shows, sound some horns on Mousehunt, idk... Just.. anything. It's weird how my mind only runs after the sun had set and I feel oddly at peace in the day when the sun is up now. To think I used to indulge in darkness so much. How have life changed.

Guess it's as they always say, the light of day brings hope for tomorrow.

I've lost plenty. And I still do feel hopeless at times, but as long as the sun still shines, it will remind me that I can still live to wake another day. Because what’s gone is gone forever. Forget what you cannot, and focus on what you can.

Let's work on what I can.

I've adopted a kitty!



We actually didn't have any intention to adopt a pet so soon because of my medical condition. We were also unsure if having pets are safe for me then, but somehow we found our way to SPCA and somehow met this poor little bugger hiding in a corner of her cage, which was also hidden away at the lower corner of the adoption area. We were really just there to see kitties since we were around the area, but hey hey, how can you resist a babygirl opening up to you and let you carry her when the caregiver mentioned she is a super anti-social kitty that gives no hoot about anybody else?

So ye, with those alluring blue eyes, I was sold. Kimmy signed the adoption papers without second thoughts, we didn't even know what we were getting ourselves into, LOL. Our place wasn't even ready then, and we didn't have the windows meshed. God, the carpentry and stuff were not even 100% fixed! Arrival of Mumu kinda pushed our lazy ass into finally shifting to our new place and get things moving though. I must say, she is the best decision I've ever made.

I never knew how stagnant life would get after discharge. I am really just playing the waiting game right now. Waiting for AOSD to finally go into remission before I can rebuild my life again. All I could do these days is really just sleep, eat, find entertainment, repeat. Forcing a quick recovery is really just gonna backfire and push me back to where I started. Learnt that the hard way with my recent relapse. Having Mumu around really made life less depressing.

Here's a frightened Mumu on her first day when we brought her home. She was so skinny(Extremely small for a 3 years old :() and her skin condition was so terrible, it was really sore and painful to touch. She kept crying, and wouldn't let us leave her sight for even a second. She would grab onto us or follow us everywhere we go in the house for the first few days.


She also sleeps with us at night, but more independent now that we've gotten her a hammock, hahahaha. She loves her kitty hammock more than our bed.


And here's Mumu, 1 month since we brought her home. All adjusted and cozied up in our space. Skin condition is improving, hope her fur grows out all nice soon, hehe.

Been feeling really empty lately. Not sure if it’s the meds, or because I’ve found closure to certain things. It’s as if my brain is on holiday and there really isn’t anything I think about at all. But things are getting better, so a few load off my shoulders. Celebrated my 27th, gained a few pounds, outgrew my outfits and got really depressed. On the bright side, I managed to get my travel insurance claims, tho not 100% of my outpatient.

Mobility functions are getting much better these days. I can finally chopstick a little and play my games now unlike before where I’ll shake like a raging volcano, hahaha. I am still unable to focus well, still tend to zone out here and there when I am doing things. Like one moment you’re talking to me, next it’s entirely silent and bright and then suddenly I don’t remember what just happened. It’s an odd feeling, really. Whenever that happens, I feel like I literally went full retard, lol.

Life is really peaceful now. Used to at least feel stress about life and would get angry because things are not solved. These days I’m just.... chill as fuck. Sure, reality condemns me with problems, but I’ve never been a worry wart. Worry is like a rocking chair, it goes back and forth, but it gets you nowhere. So, why bother? Things will eventually straighten out anyway.

Move along—

I kinda like and dislike how things are right now. My life still hasn’t been straighten out. 6 weeks since discharge, I am still lost and confused about this whole condition, still hasn’t grasp the severity of this disease. Well, not deadly until it is. I still have no direction about what I am gonna do from now on, and I am still unable to live life like I’ve used to. I am not depressed. I am just sad that I’ve got job offers or event invitations, but all I could do is smile and apologize for not being able to commit.

But you know, it’s inevitable and I’ve accepted that fact by now. I am just grateful I am no longer fighting a whole lot of internal chaos that I will never understand. Things are definitely much better than how it was when I first discharged. I am happier now. I can deal with this, I guess.







Jagi, thank you for loving me when all I could bring now is problems and more problems. Give me a while, I'll get back on my feet soon.