It's been a while since we got to head out and go for a random ride. Being all locked up at home means I don't get to see the sunlight and life outside much. I've pretty much detached myself from the reality ever since diagnosis. I'll be honest; it actually gets more and more depressing as days pass, especially when job offers come knocking on my door and all I could do is push them away. I'm in no shape to work for production right now, and highly possibly, anymore. I can also feel my brain slowly going into hiatus with the lack of usage, and causing me to evolve into a full time wood block with nothing but hollowness in my head.

So.... With all the time I have in the world right now, I listed down a few things that I want to do, and plan to do. I kid you not, I have literally all the time in the world right now and living the life anyone could ask for. I really am in no position to complain, unless you look at it from the workaholic's point of view, ovells. Anyway I will touch on that once I get all my thoughts sorted out and have something concrete to share. Right now all these plans are really just.... a one liner waiting to be developed. Hey, good start regardless.

Got my ass to Changi Jewel last Saturday after Korean class. Yes, I finally attended my lesson after 2 months! What a waste of money, tsk. I will not be continuing my lessons with Sejong though.. Because my condition is really unstable, I don't know when will I wake up feeling all sluggish and not able to function for the day. So it's really not worth it to spend hundreds just to miss my lessons. More practical to save those up for investments. It was a good change. I got to finally sit around the huge ass fountain and observe humans while letting my mind do its job. Judgey, judgey, judgey. All dem good and bad. Like, why are they here, what are they doing, what could be their career, and what's on their mind kinda. I've gotten more human lately. Ye, a good change.

So me and Kimmy just sat down there for 3 hours, sipping on our coffee, chatting about people, stuff and pretty much every other possible rubbish. I mean if you know me, I'm one to jump from topics to topics at the weirdest point within a conversation. To an extent where I can actually hold 5 different topics at once with you and get all confused with whatever the fuck we were just talking about. I miss this feeling though. Processing thoughts at the speed of light, getting things moving and drafting mental proposals for future plans. I like planning things. And I feel less like a patient, though the body still fails on me occasionally. It's better than moping around in stagnation like a loser drowning in self-pity, blaming the entire world but himself for his stupid but evitable mistakes.

I'm not one that can tolerate stagnation. I gotta keep moving, moving. I do envy people who can keep up the same lifestyle for years and not want to make a change. It's comfortable I would assume. Even if it's a failed investment of a toxic spill where your journey consist of nothing but a quick, yet steady death. How lucky to have a safe zone, regardless. One thing I've learnt lately, you can't save someone who has no intention of saving themselves. A drug addict dies happy overdosed. I can't save myself if I don't want to be saved just yet. But I've set a deadline, and I'll take my time until then. I feel like I just completed one RPG story of this hero, now time to move on to the next, hahahaha.

I may have lost my dreams, but hey, I've already achieved everything I ever wanted, and I have everything available for me to start another quest. I am more privileged than some almost my age with nothing at all. So why the hell not?

Never used to yearn for the light until my life fell into complete darkness. I've been all coped up and confined for almost 5 months now. Well, not entirely. I still head out a little here and there when I first got discharged in May to get my house and life settled. I've settled down now. With AOSD, Kimmy, my house, and .... nothing. Because I have nothing else. Not a job, not a friend I can decipher my dark thoughts with, not a goal in life to chase anymore. It doesn't stop my tracks though. I still wake to eat, to take my meds on time, watch a couple of dramas, read my favorite mangas, play some games which I will abandoned eventually after a week or so, and work on some random handicrafts or small projects at times. I cook and bake occasionally if my wrists allow extra strenuous work for the day. Otherwise, there really isn't much I do except to sleep and cuddle with Mumu when Kimmy goes to work. Life really lacks the physical communication these days.

I hate the darkness. It makes my mind stray. It makes me think a lot, and look back on the times when I was still able and well, running around doing what I love. And I get home to tell Kimmy about what happened throughout the day, have our dinner, go to bed, repeat. It also makes me think about all the people I met, and lost. All the people that once used to be so close, and now we're either perfect strangers or separated by death. These days, I look forward to waking up and drawing my curtains to let some light into the house because the darkness really overwhelms me. And that's really it. I'll then sit on my sofa, and stare into nothingness until my mind rings something for me to do. Clean the house, catch some shows, sound some horns on Mousehunt, idk... Just.. anything. It's weird how my mind only runs after the sun had set and I feel oddly at peace in the day when the sun is up now. To think I used to indulge in darkness so much. How have life changed.

Guess it's as they always say, the light of day brings hope for tomorrow.

I've lost plenty. And I still do feel hopeless at times, but as long as the sun still shines, it will remind me that I can still live to wake another day. Because what’s gone is gone forever. Forget what you cannot, and focus on what you can.

Let's work on what I can.

I've adopted a kitty!



We actually didn't have any intention to adopt a pet so soon because of my medical condition. We were also unsure if having pets are safe for me then, but somehow we found our way to SPCA and somehow met this poor little bugger hiding in a corner of her cage, which was also hidden away at the lower corner of the adoption area. We were really just there to see kitties since we were around the area, but hey hey, how can you resist a babygirl opening up to you and let you carry her when the caregiver mentioned she is a super anti-social kitty that gives no hoot about anybody else?

So ye, with those alluring blue eyes, I was sold. Kimmy signed the adoption papers without second thoughts, we didn't even know what we were getting ourselves into, LOL. Our place wasn't even ready then, and we didn't have the windows meshed. God, the carpentry and stuff were not even 100% fixed! Arrival of Mumu kinda pushed our lazy ass into finally shifting to our new place and get things moving though. I must say, she is the best decision I've ever made.

I never knew how stagnant life would get after discharge. I am really just playing the waiting game right now. Waiting for AOSD to finally go into remission before I can rebuild my life again. All I could do these days is really just sleep, eat, find entertainment, repeat. Forcing a quick recovery is really just gonna backfire and push me back to where I started. Learnt that the hard way with my recent relapse. Having Mumu around really made life less depressing.

Here's a frightened Mumu on her first day when we brought her home. She was so skinny(Extremely small for a 3 years old :() and her skin condition was so terrible, it was really sore and painful to touch. She kept crying, and wouldn't let us leave her sight for even a second. She would grab onto us or follow us everywhere we go in the house for the first few days.


She also sleeps with us at night, but more independent now that we've gotten her a hammock, hahahaha. She loves her kitty hammock more than our bed.


And here's Mumu, 1 month since we brought her home. All adjusted and cozied up in our space. Skin condition is improving, hope her fur grows out all nice soon, hehe.

Anyway, I went for my 2nd review today! No consultation, just a blood test to see if my potassium count dropped. Last week I had my first medical review with my doc to check if I am adjusting well to the new medication. To my horror, my potassium count was waaaayyyy above average and I had to go on a strict low-potassium diet to see if it was the meds that caused the problem, or was it my diet. And guess what. Just the day before, I basically ate pure potassium meals for the entire day!!

Broccoli, potato, lady finger, oats, tomatoes, kiwi, yadah-yadah, hahahahaha.

I didn't even know. And they are all my favorite food(?!) So I was barred from having too much of my favorite stuff until they find out whether it was the meds or my diet. I swear to god, it was a torture. I had to avoid my potatoes and broccoli, but whatever I can think of whenever it's lunch/dinner time are potato and broccoli.......

So.... I was given potassium suppressers and took another 3 weeks worth of medication until my next consultation. But well. I SURVIVED!!

And my blood test turned out good this time! Potassium count is stable, and I can finally have my pooootaaaatoeeeessss!! That aside, inflammation has also gone down, liver is showing pretty good signs. Doc is looking to cut my prednisolone dosage in 4 weeks time, then I can finally get out of 50mg/day dose! The high dose steroid's side effects are catching up real fast, it really scares me. I am starting to put on weight on my cheeks, and my wounds are starting to heal reeeeeally slowly... skin's thinning and peeling real bad too. If this continues I think I'mma become a south african rain frog in no time. XD

Of course, side effects will cease along with the decrease of prednisolone dosage. Just 4 more weeks to go, and I can start tapering! I can't wait! Alrighty, that's all for now. 3 weeks to next appointment, hope I can start tapering a week earlier instead, and start getting life back on track once again. I'm so sick of being unproductive, :(

It all started off with a fever that never went away. I had actually gotten a flu vaccine in preparation for my Taiwan trip, but 2 days later I was down with really bad cough, and fever of 38°C-39°C that wouldn’t subside. My immune system has always been good, and was never the kind to fall sick easily. So when I got a fever, along with weird rashes and joint pain, I knew something was not right. So after a week of panadols, I saw the GP and GP thought it was just some mild allergy reaction. I’ve never had any allergies my whole life, so wthell(?) He gave me some meds, told me to go back for a review 2 days later to see if the rash would subside. Fast forward 2 days later, condition did not improve, GP suspect I was down with dengue and told me to go A&E to get a blood test because his lab isn't open on Sundays.

Checked myself in at NTFGH A&E for a blood test, and I’ve been imprisoned in the hospital ever since. Blood tests came back negative, I was ruled out Malaria, Dengue, Chikugunya, Zika, and whatever the hell you could rule out. But I still had fever, and thus I was admitted. Suffered a good 3 days due to negligence of the nurses there(don't really wanna elaborate, but it was terrible) before I demanded a discharge so I could make it to my Taiwan trip on the 20 April. At this point, the doctors from NTFGH still didn’t have any diagnosis. Hell not even a prognosis, tsk. But I was feeling better, and the fever did not spike, so I thought ok lah, just panadol if anything happen loh.

Well, as life will always fuck you up at your best moments, I relapsed on 19 April with crazy weird petechiae rash over my limbs in the shape of snake &ladders and was rushed to TTSH A&E. (Yes, I missed my trip, sigh)



When I got to TTSH A&E, doctor who saw me instantly told me I have to be admitted, again. Blahblahblah procedures not important, fast forward after checking in at NCID, I had to go through tons and tons of blood tests and biopsies to find out what exactly was wrong with me. I took a total of 54 tubes of blood and blood cultures, 1 bone marrow biopsy and 1 skin biopsy till date. It took them 8 days of exclusion tests for the diagnosis to be confirmed. Because AOSD is a disease of exclusion, meaning you have to rule out all possible viral/bacteria infections before you can conclude that it is AOSD. Good lord, that 8 days was literally living hell. I finally understood why morphine is god sent.


I had random spiking fever of 39-41°C every day, along with swollen joints and muscle aches. It was so bad I couldn’t even open my mouth to eat, or swallow my saliva. Even adjusting myself on bed when I sleep was painful af. I couldn’t lift my phone, I was basically bed-ridden and needed assistance with everything. I got so depressed, I was crying so hard at one point because I started feeling so useless and hopeless. On the bright side, I LOST ALMOST 10KG HAHAHA. Okay, it was not fun not being able to do anything and feeling pain with every inch you take. That 8 days passed really fast though, because I was on so much drugs I was basically in a trance state almost 24/7. I could barely recall what happened throughout the day, but I deffo remember every inch of pain I felt throughout my body. It was not fun.

Scariest part of all these was the bone marrow biopsy. Good fucking lord, I literally felt my bone getting scraped and drilled through before my bone marrow got sucked out like tulang. On the other hand, I got to try morphine for the first time ever and had the best high of my life. It was such an odd feeling. It was a really small dose of 10mg, and lasted for just 30 minutes.


Good thing it didn't leave a traumatic impression towards bone marrow biopsy because I was so high, bad thing I could feel every single sensation that happened during the procedure, except I don't feel pain. Okay I felt pain when the senior doctor decided to request for an extra tube of bone marrow, and my surgeon went to extract it from an area without anaesthesia. I don't even wanna think about it.


My doctors initially suspected it was Lupus before my skin biopsy came back and ruled that out. I am so ever thankful really, because Lupus is so much worse than AOSD. I was eventually diagnosed AOSD, and got so fucking confused. I am STILL confused and don’t know how to feel about this condition because one-liner, you are literally so healthy, you’re sick. My body betrayed me. AOSD is basically a condition where your immune system is so active, it attacks even the good body cells. So right now my immune system is on ecstasy, partying its way outta my body. More happening than my life, man.

Day 19 of vacay at TTSH, docs have finally found meds that could control my condition and I am finally seeing the sun tomorrow. It was a lot of trial and error because the condition is so rare, and it differs from every individual. I’ve had 410mg dosage of steroids/day at one point because the fever was raging and my immune system was out of control. Steroids was the only solution to suppress my immune system, so I don't get a relapse. The doctors were trying to overload my immune system in attempt to crash it, before giving me small dosage as maintenance. Damn, that was a good high tho. I was so energetic that day, I had problem sleeping. I realized I've been professionally drugged for almost 20+ days now, hahahahaha legally high for now. The side effects though, really isn't something I would wanna prolong any longer.

So ye! Pretty much what happened for the last 3 weeks of my life. Had a short vacay at TTSH instead of Taiwan. Doctors are looking to cut my steroids intake right now, and replace it with another type of medication. (Fucking steroids making me shed like a snake) And in order for me to be discharged, my body has to adapt to the oral medication they are giving me. Which, my scumbag immune system doesn't wanna take, and thus dragged the hospitalization till this day. Every time I relapse, I get a 3 days extension, smh. Things are looking good now, docs are looking to let me go home tomorrow as long as my blood test turns out well.

It's been a long 24 days fight with this disease now, still feels like yesterday when I visited the GP thinking I have dengue. Rheumatology dept nurse came over and sat me down some time last week, and ran me through about life with AOSD and steroids, as if I am going through some kinda marriage counselling shit. It’s fucking weird. But ye, it was necessary. There were a lot to take note, like things I could eat, things I couldn’t. How is life with steroids as long term medication, and yadah. Also the precautions I have to take because of the steroids suppressing my immune system. Places I could go, places I couldn't and I have to take 6 months off work and avoid crowds until my body fully adapt to the new medication. There will be plenty of medical reviews in the upcoming months to keep my condition in check, and lots of restrictions when it comes to daily activities because my muscles are so weak right now. I'd have to do a bit of physio as well to strengthen my muscles after this whole fever episode.


AOSD is a lifelong disease that I'd have to live with for the rest of my life. Case to case basis, it really depends on individual. There are people who get it once, and it never comes back, there are also people who would relapse after a few years. There are also patients who have to live with it forever, with medication to control the disease. I still don't know how to feel about this whole condition, honestly. I am right now a living time bomb that may drop dead any time, but this disease really isn't deadly until it is. It is definitely going to change my life, because if I get a relapse, I'll be down for months. Literally months. It's gonna inconvenient my life so much, I honestly have no idea how am I gonna deal.

But that's okay, I won't die just yet, I'll eventually find a way and better soon enough once the medication sets.

Thank you so much for all the well wishes y'all been sending over, I really appreciate it. I was so depressed the first few days here in TTSH because I was bed bound and couldn't do anything. THEN RANDOMLY GOT DIAGNOSED WITH WEIRD DISEASE SOMEMORE. Also the fact that there is no cure, means I'll never be well again. So every time someone tells me "get well soon" I start to feel so sad for myself, LOL. But I will be better since we've finally found meds that could control this disease. And I really need a "Get out soon" more than anything else right now, hahahhahahhahahhaha.


Aite, that's all for now. Undergoing factory reset right now, I'mma walk out of this hospital with a brand new operating system installed! Hope I've answered most of the questions y'all been asking! Leave a comment if you've anymore questions you're curious about, I'll reply later on! Thanks for dropping by, ^^