You know that feeling when you get so lonely you just wish you have an imaginary friend with you.

I am not exactly a social butterfly. I dont have much friends. But when I was much younger, before my close buddies decided to get on with life and start creating their own families, I had friends. I really do.

We would hang out once in a while, go movies, chill in the arcade, beating on those buttons and consoles. All until most of them decided to give up such times and make babies.

Which make me wonder what the hell am I exactly doing. I'm at the age where I am not sure what am I supposed to do.

People look forward to 21. They live the time of their life at 21. But knowing the fact I am the only child and that every single duty and business will all be burdened onto me in future makes me stay away from having fun. Not as if things I'm studying would be related.... but we all know it's inevitable if things are already pre-set from the moment youre born.

I should be looking for my life partner and start getting on with life. Get ready to settle down and make babies too. But to be honest, the thought of marriage scares me. Well, I don't really fancy kids. I can't handle crying babies. And I am definitely not good with teaching. Trust me, I will create nothing but pure disaster if I ever procreate.

Why would I wanna harm the Earth with my horrible genes?

You guys may say. They're not friends if they chose to give up their friends for their partners.

That's not true.

Marriage is a responsibility and commitment. A relationship requires dedication. And such dedication is needed to create a base foundation to secure a strong and sturdy marriage life.

Why would you marry someone who doesn't spend time with you? Or someone that turns to friends 1/2 the time?

I understand how people can get crazy in love and spend 3/4 of their lives with their partners. It is only reasonable to realise you are with that special someone half the time. Wouldn't it be weird if someone asks you who are you with and it seems like your partner didn't exist at all? Its weird, right? I know it is.

Spending time together also helps to get rid of insecurities. At least your partners know you wouldn't be thrown aside half the time you're in a relationship.

So yeap. It's only reasonable. It really is.

I don't blame my buddies and I genuinely wish them the best. We would get in touched once in a while now and catch up about their marriage life.

But the problem now is that, knowing how they are happily married makes me really really sad. Don't misunderstand me. I am really happy for them. But I am extremely sad for myself.

Ive been through so much to get to where I am today. I had also given up tons and tons of opportunities for things I am pursuing today. You know, watching them makes me doubt mt decisions?

Is this what I really want now?

I feel like I should be happily getting ready for a steady marriage life in 2 years time. And right now, what I am really doing is studying and rotting my life away.

No new opportunities, not meeting new people, not getting enough experience. I feel like I am wasting time away as I am growing up.

My mind is constantly evolving but my lifestyle is not fast enough to catch up. It is extremely annoying because my expectations for life gets higher and higher every single day. The worse part of all this is, I can't change a single thing as long as I am still in school.

It gets so lonely sometimes I really wish I have an imaginary friend. I wish my mom had given me a sibling. At least I know there will always be someone that wouldn't run away.

Friends drift if no contact is kept. Boyfriends leave once he feels you are not the right one. Don't even talk about colleagues. In this society, if you got to know each other as competitors, you will always be competitors.

Not saying I don't have friends now..... but sometimes, you just dont feel like hanging out with some particular people. Then again, these are the people who would never leave you alone..... Saw that contradiction?

I guess we all want people that will never be there for us. People that will never place us above anything else. People that will never set us as the priority.

Life is sad isn't it? Life is extremely sad......