Sun, shines

by - Thursday, September 05, 2019

Never used to yearn for the light until my life fell into complete darkness. I've been all coped up and confined for almost 5 months now. Well, not entirely. I still head out a little here and there when I first got discharged in May to get my house and life settled. I've settled down now. With AOSD, Kimmy, my house, and .... nothing. Because I have nothing else. Not a job, not a friend I can decipher my dark thoughts with, not a goal in life to chase anymore. It doesn't stop my tracks though. I still wake to eat, to take my meds on time, watch a couple of dramas, read my favorite mangas, play some games which I will abandoned eventually after a week or so, and work on some random handicrafts or small projects at times. I cook and bake occasionally if my wrists allow extra strenuous work for the day. Otherwise, there really isn't much I do except to sleep and cuddle with Mumu when Kimmy goes to work. Life really lacks the physical communication these days.

I hate the darkness. It makes my mind stray. It makes me think a lot, and look back on the times when I was still able and well, running around doing what I love. And I get home to tell Kimmy about what happened throughout the day, have our dinner, go to bed, repeat. It also makes me think about all the people I met, and lost. All the people that once used to be so close, and now we're either perfect strangers or separated by death. These days, I look forward to waking up and drawing my curtains to let some light into the house because the darkness really overwhelms me. And that's really it. I'll then sit on my sofa, and stare into nothingness until my mind rings something for me to do. Clean the house, catch some shows, sound some horns on Mousehunt, idk... Just.. anything. It's weird how my mind only runs after the sun had set and I feel oddly at peace in the day when the sun is up now. To think I used to indulge in darkness so much. How have life changed.

Guess it's as they always say, the light of day brings hope for tomorrow.

I've lost plenty. And I still do feel hopeless at times, but as long as the sun still shines, it will remind me that I can still live to wake another day. Because what’s gone is gone forever. Forget what you cannot, and focus on what you can.

Let's work on what I can.

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