I'm really tired-

by - Thursday, March 18, 2021

I'm really tired. Like really, really, really really, really tired. It feels realy tough to get off bed, to get up from my seat, or to even eat. Chewing feels like a chore, holding cutleries feel like a chore. Getting up into a standing or sitting position makes my body ache. I can't keep up for more than 3 hours, or stay focused for more than 5. This is me on daily basis. Time keeps ticking, life keeps going. So everyone's constantly talking.. "When are you gonna get a job?" "Can you please get a job?" "So you just want to waste your life away like that everyday?" "Can you be more useful?" "Actually you can do anything, you just don't want to."

But why isn't anyone realizing just how hard it is for me to wake up everyday. Why isn't anyone seeing the fact that I really want a job too. Why isn't anyone seeing all the helplessness I feel whenever I am at home, or the fear I feel towards life every single day? Where is it gonna hurt today? How long will be awake? Am I able to go through with the plans I had made for today? Is this okay? Am I okay?

So much expectations on me as if I don't already feel the despair of not being able to live up to my personal expectation. As if it is all about me being lazy, and unmotivated. As if I had chose this live, chose this disease, chose to be like this.

I used to feel so proud of all of my achievements, and wear them like a badge. I loved feeling useful to people, and being able to accomplish big things. I used to be able to run miles, and go on working for 36 hours without sleep.. I used to be so full of life, and so so so many used to- It's so hard to keep up right now with the whole AOSD suppressing me. I do doubt myself too. Am I really just lazy? Am I just unmotivated? Is this all because I feel unfair and acting like that in a form of revenge towards my life? It is not. That is not.

The thing about AOSD is that, it has no cause, no prevention, and no cure. I don't know when will I ever flare up again, neither do I know what can I do to prevent it from happening. The ache is real. The pain is real. The lethargy, is also real. Whether or not it's a side effect from AOSD, I can never be sure. My doctors denied me when I told them I get really tired everyday from the medication, from the condition, from anything even. They said I was just lazy. I try, I really try. I've never stopped trying.

Fallen chopsticks, trembling hands, shaking knees, dropping dead to the ground, fleeting thoughts, unfocused mind.... all these feel so normal. All these are what I go through everyday. So is it really laziness, or is it what the AOSD does to my body? I really don't know anymore.

It's so painful to keep trying and get defeated everyday.

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