I can't-

by - Friday, May 17, 2019

I’m losing it, I can feel it. Maybe I’m pushing it. It’s only been a week since discharge. It hadn’t dawn on me how much life would change until today. I’ve been trying to keep myself sane and occupied so I’d not have spare time for stray thoughts, but mobility is now an obstacle I have to work to cross. Being occupied is now more painful a reality than my insane mind at rest. It was when I dropped in the shower that I realized, I’ve lost everything. Literally every damned thing in my life.

My career, my dreams, my trips, all the things I’ve planned to do, the restart that I’ve been looking forward to, more importantly, I’ve lost my mobility. I thought losing myself was the worst things could ever get. Hey, we could always start over, and rebuild that castle. Until I lost feelings in my legs, and my muscles couldn’t carry me anymore. Until my organs started to fail and I have to rely on medication to restart it’s functions. Sure, my condition is better than before. I could at least afford to head out for a while now, but that’s not enough. I feel like a fucking burden every time I am out. I look perfectly well on the outside but yet I need people to carry me up a flight of stairs. I need people to assist me when I sit down, and I got to head home once my heart beats too fast, I get breathless and my head starts to spin.

I am a fucking burden. All of these are so fucking unnecessary. I am so afraid that one day, Kimmy will be tired of me too. One day he will stop holding my hands, stop carrying me up a flight of stairs, stop assisting me when I sit, no longer catch if I get dizzy and fall. I am so afraid that I will be a burden to my entire family my whole life.

No, I don’t feel unfair. I don’t blame the disease, I don’t blame anything. I just feel so fucking useless, and I don’t want to trouble anyone. But my body isn’t mine anymore. It wouldn’t listen, it no longer listens. Holding chopsticks make me shake, let alone mention a pen to sign off my mastercard transactions. How fucking pathetic it is, to be paying for something, yet you can’t sign it off properly. I look perfectly fine but yet, I am so fucking pathetic.

It’s so hard to sleep at night. The steroids keep me awake, and I can’t get enough sleep at all. It fucks with my mood and appetite, I really just want to stop the meds entirely. God knows what reaction it’ll trigger.

I really can’t do this. I’ve been inconveniencing not just my family, but my friends too. Everyone has to be so careful around me. In regards to my diet, my wellbeing, me being out, everything. Everyone is so careful, it makes me feel like I should just stay home and not head out.

It’s probably my karma. The good doesn't go to people who had done bad their whole lives. For everyday I’m down is money lost. My bills still rises, my medical fees still accumulates. I really cannot afford to stay down. I want to get back to dancing, I still want to attend my MMA sesh. I’ve yet completed my Taiwan trip, and Switz at the end of the year. Now all of these have to be cancelled because God knows when the hell am I finally gonna start feeling my limbs again.

I am so angry. So angry at myself. Why am I so useless. Don’t you have insane recovery rate? Then why not anymore now? Why are all of your wounds not healing at all? Why are you not able to carry your damned self around? Why the fuck are you so fucking useless, Viv. You’re a fucking burden. It just wouldn't stop ringing in my head.

Just how long do you want to remain like this? Get up already, fucking get up already. I can’t do this, man. I can’t deal with all these emotions. I’m slowly losing it. I’m drowning and I can feel it. I feel so frustrated about everything I just can’t. There’s literally nothing I can do now. I am equivalent to a disabled. I’ve no idea why I keep losing feelings in my limbs. I want to walk, to run, to hop around again. I want to be able to get into the car myself, to open my own doors, hold my own spoon and feed myself food. I am not a fucking baby, stop acting like a fucking baby.

Stop it.

But what can I do? I’m fucking useless now. I keep trying but my body wouldn’t listen. It just wouldn’t listen. I can’t do this. I can’t. I’ve no idea how to get better. I keep trying but nothing’s improving. My muscles are still weak, my joints are still breaking apart. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t. I’ve lost everything. Everything I’ve ever worked for, everything I’ve ever dreamed of, everything I’ve ever wanted, and I have nothing at all now. I’m nothing too.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night crying. Sitting at my desk so I won't wake Kimmy up. There’s no one I can talk to, no one to listen to me. No one I can cry to, no one to tell me everything is going to be okay. No one to assure me that I will get better, I will be better. No one to remind me who I was so that I don’t lose myself in that dark abyss again. I can't let my family see me like this. It probably breaks them equally much.

I am scared. I am so fucking scared. What if I don’t ever get better?

What do I do?

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