Insomnia Ep #5

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

For the fifth night now.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately. Even if I do, I'll wake up after an hour or two. I've seen the doctor a couple of times just before the Chinese New Year because I started to feel really lethargic everyday, and lack the energy to function properly when I am awake. I thought I had a common cold, so I went to the polyclinic to get some medication. Turned out, the doctor said my medicine is happiness and sleep. I don't exactly know how she came to that conclusion, but I was diagnosed overly stressed and over worked.

To be very honest, school has been less of a bitch this semester. I wasn't as busy, I don't have as much assignments, plus I was lucky enough to only be involved in one out of the six major films for this semester. To add on, the roles I have for this one film is also a really really minor and useless role which isn't exactly too busy for me to be stressed over.

So I am really clueless why this is all happening.

It's been two weeks since I saw the doctor, and it is only getting worse. It's hard to sleep at night, and hard to stay awake in the day. I get terrible headaches whenever I see the sun, and feel really faint whenever I am indoor. I even have this weird ringing sound in my head(?) at night that's bothering the shit out of me. I initially thought it was just some gadgets that I forgot to turn off, but after checking the entire room, I am sure as hell it's just me. It's just my head generating that weird ringing tune that wouldn't go away.

It's burning out my life soul, and I am slowly fading into nothingness. It feels like, even if I disappear one day, no one would ever question why. Because I've long faded into space, it feels as if I belong with the oxygen molecules right now.

To be honest, I've no idea why am I feeling this way.
I wake up questioning my existence every morning, wondering if I am even needed wherever I am supposed to be heading. People hate the sight of me, they irk working with me. I find no reason or motivation to get off my bed and face a world so full of negativity and judgmentalism, so I just end up going back to sleep and carry on hiding in my own world.

Am I too comfortable with my life? Is there no change I want to make? Why is it that after so long I still feel aimless. Why is it that, even after signing up for uni, I feel no need to own a degree? Why am I giving up everything I have right now, and settling for the least?

I have so many burning why(s) that I cannot answer myself. I want to wake up every day knowing there is something to look forward to. I want to wake up knowing life isn't as bad as I thought. I want to wake up to spend time with amazing people and not to deal with 2-faced bullshits that I know are hunting me.

I want to love life enough to not spend hours in bed trying to persuade myself to face the world again.

But how?

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