Strength

Friday, February 27, 2015

Yet another episode of anxiety attack within the darkness.

I coped because I will never keep myself sober before I sleep. And that I always had a pillar of strength to rely on, to help me through these episodes. It was until I had to accept the fact my ever loving pillar had left for afterlife. He was OUR pillar, OUR strength.

Everytime I wake up with that same old nightmare, I will think of him. And my other loved ones that went off to afterlife. It wasn't easy to be honest. I have to handle both abuse and lost at the same time. It ruins my entire mental state, and I can't really tell anyone about it either.

I turned on my lights, took out photos and pictures. I looked and looked, and all I could do is cry. Where was the time when you said you'll always be there for me? You promised, but where are you?

I hate life. I hate reality. It takes people away from me. I hate myself. I hate how horrible a person I've become. I hate how insecure and paranoid I am now. I hate how I no longer know how to smile.

I hate everything. Every single thing that ever existed. But what can I do? I tried for a one-way ticket to afterlife. I yearn for days, months and even years to be right next to them again.. I killed myself a million times hoping I will not think or miss them anymore.

But it is impossible. They mean so much to me. I've lost so many.. So so many.. It is hard for me to accept losing anyone anymore.

Once their heartbeat was so close. Next, they were all gone. It was a living nightmare. My life is an entire living nightmare. I'm a fucking wreck. And I have no idea how do I fix this.

I am a sinner. So why don't you bring me with you?

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