CNY #2Saturday, February 21, 2015
When I lose the only outlet I have to let my thoughts out, I can only carve my feelings on that fleshy surface and let the scarlet liquid drip. It is okay as long as it doesn't hinder anybody. It is okay because it makes me remember I've been through worse times. Furthermore, I don't get scars.
Food poisoning since the reunion dinner on CNYE. 3 days of diarrhea and vomiting, accompanied with 3 days of fever. I obviously don't feel good. Especially my mood.
But you know what? Not like anybody cares.
When you finally accept the fact that you are alone, you will stop feeling shitty about the fact that you are alone.
I had finally come to a conclusion as of why I feel so shitty every time. This is also why as a person, you should never induce new expectations into someone's life. Because once you start, you should be responsible and go through all the way. Not stop halfway.
I really dislike Chinese New Year. Because I am the only one without a sibling in the entire family. It makes me really jealous and envious whenever I look at my cousins interacting with their siblings. It also makes me feel extremely pathetic about my life because I don't even have the privilege of talking things with my parents or siblings.
But I should have known. This is how my life is. This was how my life was born to be. This IS the kind of life I am destined to lead. Regardless the situation and circumstances, I am to be a Lone Ranger. Otherwise I'll end up getting back stabbed or made used of. Make a choice.
Who really cares about your background story? Nobody will really sympathize how you feel you know. Which is why it is important to always remember, I only have me. I can only rely on myself. Even when it is the end of the world. Never, trust anybody to save your life. Humans are selfish. It is always self before anyone else.
I believe I was not made to be this way. I am stronger as a person because I walked 3/4 of my life alone. It killed me so many times, I am probably invulnerable now. In fact, I should be.
I was a cold blooded bitch who used to laugh off one person's death. It was mean and uncalled for. But who can I blame for knowing how cheap a life can get? Then again, I am made to be this way. Disregard how valuable a life is, because death does not care how expensive your life is.
A friend spoke to me recently, and told me how much he wish I am still that cheerful me.
I am somehow glad he said that because it felt like a wake up call to stop being so naive.
I try so hard to smile everyday for a reason so stupid; Because happy or sad, you are still living a day off your life. Might as well live happily. But no one explained how tiring it is to be happy. They just tell you, you might as well be happy.
He woke me up from that aimless dream of being happy everyday. It's too tiring. I feel better not dreaming and not feeling anything. When there is nothing to dream of, there is nothing to feel.
I also managed to solve the mystery of my missing memories. Or selective amnesia, you'd call it. That is, I feel so tired to feel, I ended up shutting everything out of accessible distance. With that said, you know it actually makes me tired reading back on my life? Double tiring because I have to travel extra mile to recall how did things actually happened in my life. So pros and cons when you shut things far.
It all makes sense now that I've come to this realization.
I definitely have a problem. But I am perfectly okay with this problem. I like the way it is making me to be. Everyday is a day regardless of how you live, so why not live it less taxing so you don't sleep your days away? I mean... since you'll end up sleeping in the end anyway.
Death is rich. They get whatever they want. Anytime, and every time.