Can I get anymore carelessTuesday, March 24, 2015
Lately I've been misplacing things a lot. Makes me wonder why did I not lose myself too. Or actually, I already did.
I just got my new student pass last week after dropping it on the bus while alighting 3 weeks back. I pretty much lost 2 weeks worth of attendance every time I lost my card... Thank goodness the new tapping system was only implemented somewhere two months back. The last time I lost my card was November, and attendance was still marked manually then.
Just last Friday, I kind of dropped my glasses at the pub we were hanging for Jerlinda's Hen Night. Fml, that was a limited edition Rayban frame that I got for myself as a Christmas present back in 2013.... And it is thus far my favourite pair of glasses. Probably the only branded good that I really used my own money to purchase. Sigh.
Now that I think of it, actually multiple things happened for the past couple of weeks. I pretty much got myself into quite a bit of unfortunate situations, it is quite a surprise that I am still well and alive right now.
I first got food poisoning, and lost my ultra huge appetite ever since then. I had been vomiting out most of my food from then on, like my stomach is rejecting most of the food I eat. Then I got a fever so high it hit 41.1 degree celsius, surprisingly enough my brains are not fried. I guess they needed a break badly, so they went for a dip in the hot spring.
After that my health deteriorated a lot. I get multiple blood rush episodes where I would lose all my senses for as long as 15 seconds, which is bad because whenever that happens, I get pins and needles from my palms to my feet and then I lose my sense of touch and balance, and I'll fall. And I fall down a lot more than I used to. Then I had weird cuts and bruises everywhere. Was I ever this clumsy before?
Health aside, things weren't going too well in the reality too. My favourite white heels broke, I got cut by shattered glass, got knocked down by a car at the zebra crossing, miss my bus 3/4 of the time, my external hard disk crashed once again, my macbook had been showing me their beautiful version of blue screen of death a lot lately too. And not forgetting the stuff I lost....... My favourite pens and hair ties mysteriously went missing, then I dropped my student pass and my Rayban glasses.
How did I even survive to be honest.
Every waking day is like a living torture. It makes me dread heading out because there is nothing for me to look forward to, and there is no one I am going out with or talk to. Or rather, I just refuse to interact with anybody right now. Sometimes, I wonder... Would my life be what it is now if 2010 ~ 2013 didn't happen? Friends tell me not to put the blame on anybody because I chose my life. Yea, I did, but things that were done to me was not part of my choice, isn't it? Those 4 years seriously wrecked me as a human. Both mentally and physically. I honestly wish it didn't happen, things would have been so much better and different now. I might probably be a sweeter and happier girl.
Lately I am also getting more and more frighten to talk to people. Afraid that I might be a big pile of burden that constantly requires help. It makes me fear heading out to face the crowd or going to school because I don't want people to look at me like I am a wrecked doll that needs to be handled with extreme care. I fear those eyes that shoot me with blames and anger because I can't do things right. It is like I lost my entire ability to think and function I just keep doing the wrong stuff.
I made everyone around me worry. I made my group mates worry, I made my parents worry. Even Mum started cooking dinner everyday now and asks if I would go home for dinner. Even if I said no, she would still keep some leftovers for me. I guess parents will always notice the change in you. I've lost 7kg for the past 1 month after all.
My mood hasn't been the best either. I get fed up easily and I am pretty much cranky everyday. Not that I want to, I really just can't help it whenever I lose control. I try my best not to though.. It is never nice to flare up at people when they are just concerned.
I was told to be more selfish and spare more thoughts for myself. Because I am constantly worried I might be a burden to everyone I forgot my purpose of existence. You see.. A burden will never think they will ever be useful. I lost my confidence and feel useless everyday now I don't even know how to encourage myself to be better. I see no worth in myself any longer to be really honest. I guess this is also why it is easier for me to seek refuge at the garbage chute than to be at some high class recycle areas.. Torn and tattered dolls understand each other better, no?
I had been a big pile of mess, and it doesn't seem like it will clear up anytime soon. Maybe I just want someone to tell me I am beautiful and amazing genuinely once again, I don't know.
Guess I will start to lose even more people around me soon.
After all, who wants a wrecked doll in their life? People usually toss wrecked stuff away, and wrecked humans like me are no different.... To garbage chute we go.