by - Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Hi, I know this is crazy. It's 4:37AM in the morning and I am still not asleep. Actually I went to bed pretty early today considering my daily routine. I would wake up at about 3PM and head to bed at 5AM. But today's exceptional, I hit the sack at about 2.

Yes, yes.. I know it's already Tuesday. But I haven't slept!

Nothing's really wrong, I just felt I should sleep early today. But my body did the opposite. So I rolled for 2 hours, and here I am! Still wide awake......pondering about nothingness.


Okayokay, maybe just some things.. Lets get to the point. This is probably my most heart-felt post ever....

Have you ever thought... If doomsday is only a couple of minutes away?
What would be the first thing you do?
I watched this video on Facebook a while ago and I can't get the content off my head. Thus why I'm still wide awake at this unholy timing.

I feel, that's a rather stupid question. About the first thing you'd do if doomsday descend.

Honestly, even I have no idea what I would do. I could say I'll call up my loved ones and tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me and yadah.... But if you realize, doomsday is when an apocalypse occur, right? So would anybody survive to even remember things you did? So why the corny good byes?

So I guess, I would just sit or lay down at a fixed area and wait for death. And if I could, I wish to die in my sleep. Painless, and you'll be in eternal dream.

On the other hand, I might perhaps reminisce about the times alive. Think about how I started as an infant, to a spoilt kid, to that defiant teenager, and to the current regretful young adult. I guess I probably couldn't recall a single thing when I was before 16. Some things happened, and I kind of blocked those memories away. In other words, I've lived only 4 years of life. And yep, it sure was 4 tough years.

Maybe there's still bits and pieces of my teenage years. Which is the reason that resulted the regretful adult in me. I guess, everyone make mistakes. It's only about how severe it is, and how silly it could be. And as a human, forgiving is the hardest part. Or at least that's what I think.

Someone told me this, "Your choices are what made you who you are today."

So I could pretty much summarize what kind of a stupid kid I was, to had landed myself in such a plight now.

Not knowing when to stop, not knowing the good and bad. Well, that's what you called growing up, isn't it? I guess everyone has a regretful past. Or at least a tiny part of your life, you wish it didn't even existed.

I was a really angsty teenager with horrible temper. I messed with the wrong bunch and got myself into some really nasty shit. Yea, things I really, don't wish to recall. And that's where all these started.

People come and go. They came, wrote a chapter, and left with a fullstop. Some had really horrible hand writing, so horrible even reading up on it is a pain. And they're what you call the "bad memories". They're messy, ugly, dirty, dark and scribbly. You can never piece them out clearly because you dread to look back.at it. And when you really do piece out that chapter, you would had already hurt yourself by straining too much of your cells.

Upon growing up... Looking back at that unwanted and definitely not lovable kid.. I concluded that I was really stupid. But growing up really taught me a lot about life. So I spent the past few hours rolling on bed, re-reading every single chapter people wrote for me. Everyone that left, they left for a reason. Some try coming back to continue where they've left off, some had already penned their last good byes. And some of those that came back, never really did left a nice chapter for me. Whereas those that did, I welcomed them to write some more. It's like a gamble. They can draw you a really nice rainbow, or color a full red page of hell. Well, I guess that pretty much explains my stupidity now.

Knowing the stuff you've done wrong in the past, it's easy to not repeat the same mistakes again. Yet another saying that had been carved deep in my brain, "A person can only be stupid once."
Ahh... I guess I must be retarded to give a second chance. But I guess that is what made me who I am now. Someone without temper, someone that's strong enough to stand alone, someone that's undoubtedly two-faced, and someone that no longer lives with regrets. It's all part of survival in the current society we're living in. Now back to what we were talking about...

Seriously? If an apocalypse occur the very next moment and you have only an hour left, tell me how are your good traits going to save you? How could being a Mr Nice Guy keep you alive? At the end of the day, all these seems pointless. I've changed for the better, but being better couldnt even keep me alive. What irony.

So if the world is really about to end, I'd probably sleep myself away and not give a hoot about anything like I always do. It's probably pointless to try anyway. Lines will be cut, transport crash, perhaps a tsunami would had drown Singapore within seconds.

I'm a really materialistic person. So I guess harsh truth is the best remedy for me. Instead of trying to live, surrendering to fate would be a better choice.

What about you? Would you fight to live, or surrender to fate?

... Just my tuppence worth.

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