Peace, happy times, and people who loves me.

by - Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Been feeling really empty lately. Not sure if it’s the meds, or because I’ve found closure to certain things. It’s as if my brain is on holiday and there really isn’t anything I think about at all. But things are getting better, so a few load off my shoulders. Celebrated my 27th, gained a few pounds, outgrew my outfits and got really depressed. On the bright side, I managed to get my travel insurance claims, tho not 100% of my outpatient.

Mobility functions are getting much better these days. I can finally chopstick a little and play my games now unlike before where I’ll shake like a raging volcano, hahaha. I am still unable to focus well, still tend to zone out here and there when I am doing things. Like one moment you’re talking to me, next it’s entirely silent and bright and then suddenly I don’t remember what just happened. It’s an odd feeling, really. Whenever that happens, I feel like I literally went full retard, lol.

Life is really peaceful now. Used to at least feel stress about life and would get angry because things are not solved. These days I’m just.... chill as fuck. Sure, reality condemns me with problems, but I’ve never been a worry wart. Worry is like a rocking chair, it goes back and forth, but it gets you nowhere. So, why bother? Things will eventually straighten out anyway.

Move along—

I kinda like and dislike how things are right now. My life still hasn’t been straighten out. 6 weeks since discharge, I am still lost and confused about this whole condition, still hasn’t grasp the severity of this disease. Well, not deadly until it is. I still have no direction about what I am gonna do from now on, and I am still unable to live life like I’ve used to. I am not depressed. I am just sad that I’ve got job offers or event invitations, but all I could do is smile and apologize for not being able to commit.

But you know, it’s inevitable and I’ve accepted that fact by now. I am just grateful I am no longer fighting a whole lot of internal chaos that I will never understand. Things are definitely much better than how it was when I first discharged. I am happier now. I can deal with this, I guess.

Jagi, thank you for loving me when all I could bring now is problems and more problems. Give me a while, I'll get back on my feet soon.

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