What changed me.Friday, May 24, 2013
I saw this post on Facebook recently. About how this person is emoing about being inferior or something... It got me inspired to blogged about "What changed me."
I was a rather unlovable kid. And I really mean unlovable. I was in fact, hated. I didn't have much friends, and most of my friends left me because I was a really really horrible person. Which somehow explained why I started blogging in the first place because I had no one to talk to. So I talk to myself. Through blogging, through mirrors, through reflections.
It was easy because I have no siblings, so I am rather used to being alone. Maybe that was why I can never have friends back in my schooling days.
You see, I'm not the super popular kid around... I don't always get attention for the good stuff, instead I get lots of attention for the bad stuff. Thus why I am always bullied and outcasted. I didn't thought I was abnormal or have terrible issues until someone told me this.
Why so? I am obviously not hated from the very start. To be true, I had quite a bit of "friends" when school first started. But as time passed, I slowly left them, and some left me. And then I meet different kind of people from all over area because my elementary schoolmates were being separated to different schools within the district.
That was when I met this guy that told me the above sentence. It carved a really deep impression in me. Because I failed my semester, I lost all my friends, I had a lot of issues clogged in school, I was practically a no lifer rotting at home all day doing nothing but rot. Yes, I was a frequent for truancy. My attendance was only 30% when the results slip came at the end of the year.
I was such a horrible student my english teacher said this in my face in front of 3 classes of students.
Well.. I took it in as a compliment because she actually mentioned that I was pretty. But truth still hurts. She said I was brainless. And I was mocked for the next couple of weeks because of that. So I told myself to be optimistic. At least she acknowledge that I have the looks. I wasn't exactly a good for nothing.
Back to the guy who told me I was arrogant. I hated him back then when he first said that to me. I really thought he was an asshole, and told everyone to stay away from him. It took me about a year to finally have his words registered in my brain. That I was really an arrogant kid that thinks nothing of people that are inferior to me.
I was isolated and school was hell.
But thankful enough, I have supporting teachers that led me through the tough years in high school.
Like every other teenagers. I had the emo fringe that covers up half of my face. No shit, I honestly thought covering half of my face up with my fringe was the coolest thing ever. I had a fight with this guy from the class next door one day and was being sent to the counsellor. First thing I was told the moment I entered the counsellor's room was to check my attire. Tuck in my shirt and pin up my fringe. Being rebellious, I obviously argued in a super ahlian tone.
Did I mention my counsellor was a really friendly looking lady? I remembered she was in her fifties then, and she wore a pair of really thick specs and had a superb nice smile.
Something like this....
Apologies for the ugly caricature... T_T
Okay, maybe I wasn't exactly that horrible of a kid. I had some conscience in me. I felt really bad whenever I argued back at her because she has never once stop giving me that supporting smile of her's. No matter how hurtful of a word I thrash towards her, she takes it in with a smile and return me with supporting gesture. I guess that was why she's a counsellor. Her patience was unbeatable.
So I went in there, and you know the usual stuff a counsellor would ask.. What happened, what's wrong, why did you do it, and blah blah blah. And then they listen to your old grandmama stories, and then tell you how they feel about it. Remember what I mentioned about the cool fringe? Well, adults apparently thought it was uncool, untidy and ugly. So she told me something that made me think twice about myself.
Wahlao, I obviously wasn't that thick skin to think I am super pretty lah. And I was a super ugly kid, not even joking. That's why this sentence carved yet another really deep impression inside me. Be confident and proud of yourself. That was what she said.
Soon after, I left school because I was too used to rotting at home and my attendance went from 30%.... to 15%. One word, hopeless. *face palm*
I thought people from my school were horrible enough. But no, I met even horrendous people at work. I wasn't that stupid to be really rotting at home all day since I had sooooooooo much time on hand at that point of time. So I started working part time here and there. Yet again, I was outcasted and bullied. I honestly don't get why.
And trust me, this is by far still the most hurtful thing I had ever heard in my life.
I was mocked by my crush. What's worse, he told it to a whole bunch of guys at work. So news were spreading, that me, a fat bitch, had a crush on the most cute looking guy at work. Lol, fml. I mean, it's not fault to be born with such genes right? Like I want to have such body structure? You think I'm happy having short legs?! So all I could do was stop being such a glutton. And I have never trusted eye-candies ever since then, LOL. Sorry to stereotype, :x
College wasn't as bad. I knew I wasn't a stupid kid. I was just lazy. So my lecturers were really nice to me because they all knew, when I have work to deliver, I deliver. I submit quality work despite missing school half the time. Hahaha, that part hasn't change. I am still a frequent for truancy. But I am still really bad at making friends and mingling around. It's like everywhere I go, I get dramas. I honestly have no idea why.
So once in a while, when I really felt like shit and have no idea why things happen, I would just isolate myself. Spend some time thinking through what's wrong... And all these sentences never fail to come back to my brain. Especially the first one. I don't really care about looks because you know how they always say, "The world has no ugly women, only lazy women." I admit I am SUPERB lazy. So as time passes, my looks doesn't really matter much to me anymore.
I was probably arrogance and bimbotic. That's why I'm hated and outcasted. Idk. Even now, I will still think the same. Whenever people start to make me feel outcasted, I will think to myself. Just what is it about me that people dislike? Is there something wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I just can't make friends?
But at the end of the day, I will always sleep my night away with this ringing inside my head.
I don't know how helpful or meaningless this post is to you. But I sincerely hope it would do you good in a way or two to whoever that feels like shit once in a while. It is okay to cry or whine about how much lemon life is giving you. But it is never okay to give up on yourself.
I mean really.. If even you is giving up on yourself, what rights do you have to expect people to continue harboring hopes on you? Not saying I am a nice person now. I am still learning how to be nice. I am pretty bitchy and anal sometime.. Or maybe all the time. That has to change, and I know it. Ah well, nobody's perfect. Okayokay, I'll set "nobody" as my role model. If you get what I mean.
Thank you for your time reading this wall of text of mine.