A short confession.

Monday, May 16, 2016

I haven't actually open this up to anybody before, but I really need to have it out of my head. Maybe a couple of my close friends knew that this has been going on, but I never actually expressed how much it had affected me as a person because of a couple of incidents that happened many many years back. And it's probably because I've never talked about it to anybody before that it is taking a toll on my relationships with many people, including Kimmy.

I guess it all started from 11 years back. When I first entered my secondary school and got targetted by a group of xiaolians of that time who tried to pull me to become one of them. Clearly I was warned, about all these delinquents in secondary school, and how they try to pull freshmen into their clique to expand their "gang". So naturally, I distant myself from them and try my best not to be involve. But shit luck found me, a girl in my class, who was also my first friend in school, joined them. And those xiaolians got her to pester me until I say yes. Yep, you guessed it. That was where hell started because I iz rebel.

Fast forward 2 years, after hell started, something huge happened. This girl, X, who was my classmate for 3 years suddenly became very nice to me after receiving our final year results and said stuff like, "Are you sure you're gonna waste your life away like that and fail all your exams?" I was pretty involved in games back then, and skipped school quite a bit.. There I thought, okay lah.. This girl actually not so bad. She's quite nice eh? Nope. Just nope. After she talked to me (because she was seated diagonally across my table), she stabbed me in the back and made me a criminal because the culprit of another bitching incident was not found. A lot more gang started to bug me since then because they believed her. They would also target the people that hung out with me. As time passed, I was all alone because everyone was afraid of being my friend. I don't want to elaborate any further about my tragic school life, the conclusion was that I dropped out.

I became more isolated and introverted after dropping out. You see, I was gaming.. And have quite a bit of friends online. So I kept myself within the virtual world for close to 5 years before I finally stepped out of my cave.

5 years was enough a period for many things to happen. As usual, a popular girl, let's name her S, decided to make me her victim because she thought that I was "cute". We started out on a bad note, but we became friends after all that dramas. I cannot forget though, the impact she made on my life because of the stuff she said.. "Vivian sold her body to exchange for all the credits she has online."

Oh come on, we all know it's illegal but you can still make money through gaming. Bah;

But you know how a mere sentence like this could affect back in those days? 9 years ago, that type of statement was enough to kill a girl. It was around the same time X stabbed me in the back. I have quite a bit of real life friends who knew her too, so the news pretty much spread till the ears of my school before I dropped out. That was the second time I got my trust betrayed.

We sort of became friends after that because she dated my then boyfriend's best buddy. So we naturally became close buddies too. And then she started becoming famous online and said she no longer knew who I was. Alright, meh. What can I say right?

It may not sound like it's huge, but I really held those 2 girls close to me. There were some more less major incidents happened in between as well. I wouldn't say it's minor, but just... less major. I basically got my trust build up and tore down plenty of times to the extend I finally quitted my games because I've had enough of these fake friends.

So I went back to school, yay!

Yet again, I thought all was good, especially after I met my crush and patched things up with him in school. But well, he cheated on me. (Ironically, he dated S before too.) That was my first serious relationship, you could imagine how shocked I was.

And then I met a 1 psycho who abused me..... Followed by another 2 psycho who badmouthed me to pull me down from the blogosphere, and then another 3 psycho who cheated on me because "he has depression".
I have a lot of psychos in my life, /facepalm.

You could say I am really not very good with making friends or maintaining a proper relationship. Or rather, I am quite careful with the people I hang out with ever since X and S, &Psycho1,2,3. Being careful somehow turned into an obsession. I start to keep people out of my circle, but still pretend they are within. Sounds pretty bad, I know.

What I am trying to say here is that, there are plenty of people out there just like me.
This isn't something we could control. Because of the build-up we have since young, it had pretty much build a strong and sturdy wall around us, to protect us from anymore set-backs. It isn't like I hate everybody.. I don't. I just can't bring myself to be close to anybody anymore. It feels like, I forgot how it is to be close to someone. I have no idea how to approach somebody and remain friends with them. It's not that I don't want to, it is more of a I don't know how to.

I am eternally grateful to friends I have right now, who knew a little of my whats and whens. They understood and stood by me regardless how crazy I can act sometimes. Alright, long story short... Here's what I am most concern about.

PTSD


Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. I am not sure how I can explain what this means to you guys, but I will provide the wikipedia link right here... LOL. Considering all the outbursts and meltdown I've been experiencing after meeting Psycho 1 and 2, I am starting to second guess myself. I get really depress sometimes and feel terrible about myself. My self-esteem dropped to a new low, and I started growing fat from binge eating.

I did some search online and more or less narrowed down the results to PTSD. But of course, I am no doctor or specialist. I can't diagnose myself, or can I? But you know, after all these arguments and bad relationships with people over the past 4 years after Psycho 1 and 2, I feel like there is a need for myself to be checked. Not only is it taking a toll on myself, it is stressing out everyone around me who disagree with the way I treat people around me. Sometimes I'd look back and think about how I used to think everyone in this world are kind, nice souls and feel tragically depressed about how I look at the world now.

I wish I could look at the world the same as I did, and smile at people without being wary of the aftermath. 4 years is a long time.... Friends said I am strong and I could get over it. I'd be really honest with you, I still get haunted by these memories, I just don't show it in front of people. I still cry for no reasons and get anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I feel scared of being around people and get really delusional sometimes. That's enough of a reason to get myself checked, right?

Then let me be frank again; I am actually really scared of getting treated, and confronting the past that I tried so hard to keep away. The irony..

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