Life gives you lemon.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Many things happened. Big to small, serious to casual. Many, many things happened. I've met people and I've lost people. I had friends who no longer remember who I am anymore upon finding success, and I still have friends who tries really hard to rip off my success.

2016 started off on a pretty good note. Or rather, it took off well prep with plenty of opportunities waiting for me. What went wrong was that, all these opportunities didn't happen.

First month of 2016 is almost over. Things had plummeted quite a bit. It's not like I didn't keep up my pace and work hard for my dreams. I did and I still am. I am improving, but circumstances have changed. As I bring myself to greater heights, I also see that things around me starts to give me a different set of challenge. It is almost like telling me I will never ever be good enough.

I've come to realize I am constantly chasing. Always chasing. Chasing after people, chasing after my desires, chasing after my dreams. I've been chasing so much it took a toll on my vessel that shouldn't be breaking down at this young age.

I want to be chased too. I want to be good enough to take a break from chasing, and be the one people look up to. I want to be amazing with things I do, that things will turn the other way round.

I want people to see me and tell me, "Hey Vivian! I saw your work, it's amazing."

I want to stop being the one building people's dream.

It took me close to 24 years to realize this. How I am always the one bringing people to places. How I am always made used of regardless of what position I am in. How I have never gotten anything back in return, ever.

I watch my friends go to places. Completing their U's, getting their degrees at 21. Getting married, and have their BTO by 24. Some even bought their own car as soon as they graduate, at 22.

Here I am, with nothing.

If I am only able to live till 50, I am more or less going through a mid-age crisis right now. I am approaching 24 and still clueless about what I want to achieve in my life.

So I sat down one night and I started to think. I got no answers, but I managed to lay things out clear enough to wake the hell up.

I have nothing. No skills, no money, no dreams, no future. All that I have is a bunch of friends I am really grateful for; for always being there to clean up the mess I created for them every damned time.

Other than that, I have nothing else.

I can't remember the last time I received gifts that I didn't have to work for. I know how this sentence makes many people get the urge to slap me in the face. But what they don't know is that, how hard I had to work to keep these sponsorships going.

I fear for my viewership, I fear for disappointing these bunch of amazing people who placed their hopes and business in me. It's a huge-ass blackhole of no guarantees that they might ever get something out of. I fear that one day, if all these stops, I have no other skills to keep me alive anymore.

I forgotten how it feels like to be pampered. To be the one receiving all the gifts and love, instead of being the one giving most of the time. There are so many things I can live without. Sometimes I just have this urge to give up a part of what I can live without, in exchange of what I want. I honestly would. But there is no guarantee I will get what I want by giving up what I have now.

Life's unpredictable like this. You could lend your friends a whole bunch of ingots to survive, and have them ending up earning diamonds, but returning you with pebbles. Such is life. And it's not like you can do anything about it.

I always feel bad of being even a little bit nasty to people. I always feel guilty that I am not of help. I will always feel as if I am an asshole whenever I say no to something I could actually say yes to.

That is probably why I always end up building other people's dream.

I guess that is also a form of consolation for myself because I know how shitty it feels to not be pampered. And I don't want anyone else to feel the same as I do.

It took me 6 months to finally get used to life alone. Fighting for nothing else but myself, and enjoying a life where alcohol is the solution for every problem exist. It also got me prepare for the next phase of life which I am leading now.

7 months in, my fuel is close to non-existence. I am almost drained out, every last bit of it. I miss the days where I could sleep well even when I had a lot of problems to deal with. I miss the days where being me wasn't even a problem. I miss how I didn't have to be so conscious about the way I look. I miss how life was extremely simple, yet fulfilling.

Life was pretty lack of love then. But the things I had to deal with made me felt really hyped up. I also had some love from my friends, filling up the gaps and supporting me along the way. Like I really want to fight this, I got to succeed. And I did.

Right now, everything just feels like... "It's fine, I can stop here and give everything up anytime. It's not gonna bring me anywhere except for making me feel even more horrible about myself."

I guess, all in all, I just miss myself. And people sort of just gave up on me because they feel I am no longer who I was.

I guess they probably miss me too.

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